


Passing Through

by evakayaki



Series: David and Matteo University Series [5]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Confusion, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pansexual, Post-Canon, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 13:12:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19357714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakayaki/pseuds/evakayaki
Summary: David was confident. He was sexy. And Matteo just wanted David to be proud of him.------Matteo gets a job and it leaves him questioning how truly comfortable he is with himself.Can be read as a stand alone.





	Passing Through

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on personal experience, a lot of research into reading other peoples experiences, and impressions of Matteo while re-watching season 3. Please keep in mind, everyone's coming out experience is different and some people have deep internalized homophobia that they, themselves, don't even recognize. I have tried to be as true and honest in this story as possible. I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Also, as a thank you so much for reading this series, I made a fanvid based on Matteo's POV. You can find it here: https://youtu.be/Eiaih75Ywes

Matteo ran a hand through his hair. He knew it was time for a haircut, but he had been too busy to get one. He had started a new job at an LGBTQ+ youth center as a mentor. He had been on the fence about taking the job, but David had been so excited for him. Matteo knew his boyfriend would think it was a great idea. David had become really active on the university campus in the LGBTQ+ community. Much, much more open with himself and his sexuality than Matteo had ever seen. David was confident. He was sexy. And Matteo just wanted David to be proud of him. 

So, Matteo had accepted the job even though he felt overwhelmed, under qualified and unsure if this was right for him. Today had been first day and his new boss, Ingo, had commented that it would be good for questioning teens to see him. Talk to him. Learn about his experience. He even made the offhanded remark that Matteo _passed_. 

Matteo spent the rest of the afternoon being trained by other mentors, but wondering what Ingo meant by passing. When Matteo got home that night he decided to ask David what his new boss meant by _passed_.

“It means you could present as straight and no one would question it. Just like I pass as male. People just see me as a guy,” David explained, “And for the record, I’m really proud of you. You’re going to do a lot of good, Matteo Florenzi.”

Matteo shook his head and blushed, “I’m just me. And this job paid better than the grocery. I guess working at the LGBTQ center may be okay.”

“Plus, babe,” David gently corrected, “LGBTQ+. And I know you’re not ready to be the face of PRIDE or part of the community, and that you just want to be seen as Matteo without pretenses or assumptions...”

“I don’t,” Matteo agreed, “Just because I’m into men, well man - _you_ , doesn’t mean that I know what paint color goes best in your sitting room, which by the way Kiki, that burnt orange color looked like something I threw up once when I was drunk. Or that people think gay men just have sex all the time or never have sex and just sit and make kissy faces at each other.” Matteo groaned and heard David snicker. 

“Well, you pretty much do want sex all the time. Remember when you were studying for your re-exam and you tried to keep me in bed for three days straight?” David joked.

“Dire circumstances. You looked so sexy with your sex hair and my shirt on. I couldn’t help myself,” Matteo smiled at the memory. It was true. David’s mused hair from the previous night combined with him running out of shirts and throwing on Matteo’s old palm tree shirt mixed with his lean legs in gray fitted sweatpants...The taste of David’s skin as he let his lips roam the other boy’s back. 

David leaned in and softly kissed the corner of Matteo’s mouth. 

“So, I don’t look like I’m into guys?” Matteo pulled away, still thinking about Ingo’s comment. “But I am.”

David chuckled at Matteo’s pout. “It means that if you were to walk down the street no one would assume you were. People would think you’re straight. There’s probably studies and articles on this you could find and like Google is your friend,” David joked, “But I think that’s what your boss meant. That if the teens saw you, an extremely above average-average guy, it may help them in some way. You should really ask him.” 

“Hey! What do you mean by average?” Matteo laughed, “Fuck, I’m really bad at being into dudes.”

David shook his head, leading them to the couch. “When did you realize you liked guys?”

Matteo shrugged, “For sure, for sure? When I met you. I...shit this is so embarrassing...I took this ‘How gay are you’ quiz.”

“Let me guess, 100 percent?” 

“Actually, thirty percent,” Matteo chuckled. “So very accurate, I know.”

“Totally,” David shook his head in amusement. “Anyway, did you research the community? Or coming out or anything?”

Matteo shook his head, “I read a few articles on...gay sex and hooking up. That type of stuff. And I talked to Hans. I just felt...so overwhelmed with it all. I smoked some weed.”

“And now?”

“And now what?” Matteo frowned. 

“Have you looked up anything about LGBTQ+ or the community or anything?” David was curious. 

Matteo shook his head, “Did you? Do you?”

“Of course,” David nodded, “More now than when I was younger. People...some people don’t understand and like to ask why I _want to be a guy if I like guys-_ ”

“But you’re a guy, there’s no _want_ in this. You’re a man,” Matteo didn’t understand that logic. 

David couldn’t help but kiss him. “I love you so much for saying that. But some people don’t get it and being asked questions like that sucks. They don’t get sex and gender are not mutually exclusive. Gender is between your ears and sex is between your legs, and sometimes gender and sex don’t match up. No one knows why. But sometimes it just doesn’t.” David cleared his throat, “Getting back to my point, the trans community on campus supports each other. We talk about stuff like that. About educating people. I don’t know, I guess it helps me to be a part of that.”

Matteo nodded, “I get that, but...I don’t know. What’s so wrong with me being just me? I know I like men, you obviously know I like men, my friends know I like men. Why do I need to be part of a community to like men?”

“Babe?” David started tentatively, “You keep saying _into guys_ and _like men_. Have...have you ever said, well, have you ever said you’re gay?”

“What’re you talking about? I literally just said it,” Matteo looked at his boyfriend in confusion. 

David knew he had to be cautious, “Have you ever said the words _I’m gay_?” 

Matteo laughed incredulously, “I’m into men,” He gave David a look, “There! I say it all the time.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to be labeled,” David replied gently. 

“What are you talking about?” Matteo ran a hand through his hair and mused it up a bit. “I like guys. I love _you_ , a _guy_.”

David nodded, “Matteo, it’s okay if you don’t want to say the word.”

“What the fuck are we even talking about? I’m with you. You’re my boyfriend,” Matteo said exasperated. 

“Okay,” David nodded. “So, this job is-“ 

“I’m...I just need to...I’ll be back,” Matteo stuttered before rushing out of the apartment. 

As soon as his feet hit the concrete sidewalk, he groaned, he’d left his phone and keys upstairs. He sighed and started to walk, needing to focus on something that wasn’t _the whatever the fuck_ thing that just happened between him and David. He didn’t think it was an argument. But, shit, did it kind of feel like one. What the fuck even was that? How did they even start talking about that? 

He didn’t realize it before he was actually at the door, but he had wandered to the flatshare. 

Sighing, he knocked. Since he was already there, why not?

A slightly disheveled Hans answered, “Butterfly?”

“Uh, hey,” Matteo responded awkwardly. 

“Jonas is away for the weekend,” Hans informed him. 

“I know. He’s doing something for school,” Matteo shrugged, “I needed, erm, wanted to talk to you. But I can come back or something. It’s really not important, I guess. Yeah, you’re busy so…”

Hans’ expression softened, “Give me two seconds.” 

Matteo nodded following Hans inside and stopping a few steps inside. He was slightly startled to see a half-naked man sat on the sofa, a wine glass and a beer half empty on the coffee table.

“Schnuckelschneke, something’s come up and we’re going to have to reschedule,” Hans said pointedly to the man. 

“What?” The man asked incredulously.

Hans nodded, “Yeah, I need to take care of something.”

Matteo suddenly found his beat up shoes extremely interesting.

“The kid? You’re turning me,” Matteo had to roll his lips into his mouth to keep from giggling as the man gestured towards his penis, “away for this _kid_? Come on, get rid of him, let’s have some fun. He’s not worth wasting this for. He’s not worth your time.”

Hans looked taken aback for a moment and Matteo knew that face, knew what was coming. He’d been on the receiving end of that face once or twice before.

“No, you’re not worth my time,” Hans snapped back, “This…this isn’t happening. This will never happen. And by the way, your penis isn’t that big or great. I have it on good authority that your Mr. Winky sometimes isn’t so happy to come out and play. But I overlooked it because you’re cute, but that’s about all that’s going on. Now, if you’ll kindly get the fuck out of my house, I need to take care of my little butterfly. You know the way out, right?” 

Matteo watched the guy grabbed his clothes and huffed as he walked to the door, “Asshole.” 

“I’ve got a great one. Too bad you’ll never see it,” Hans didn’t bother to turn to face the guy. 

The door slammed and Matteo couldn’t help but let out a hysterical laugh. “Oh my…that was…” 

Hans did a little pose and took a bow. 

“I missed this,” Matteo smiled as Hans pulled him into a hug. 

“I miss you too, butterfly,” Hans guided them both to the sofa, “Okay, now sit. Tell your guru, what’s going on.” 

Matteo played with his own fingers for a second before opening his mouth. A high pitched ding reverted around the room.

“Oh, hold that thought,” Hans held up a finger and picked up his mobile from the coffee table, “Well, this _is_ interesting.” 

“Hmm?” Matteo asked, watching his friend intently.

Hans smiled, “Your boyfriend is texting me.” 

“What’s he saying?” Matteo wanted to know.

“Well,” Hans started to read before frowning, “He’s really worried about you. Wants to know if you’re with me.” He looked up at Matteo, “Are you here with me, butterfly?”

Matteo nodded, “You can tell him I’m here…that I’ll be home later.”

“Okay,” Hans agreed typing out the message quickly. It seemed almost as soon as he had sent the message, he got a response. “He says that he loves you.” 

“I love him too,” Matteo wrapped his arms around himself and let out a frustrated moan. 

Hans turned off his phone and turned fully to the teen, “Matteo, what’s going on?” 

“Hmm,” Matteo snorted, “You never use my first name. I was beginning to think you forgot what it was.”

“Are you and David doing okay?” Hans asked, reaching out to pat Matteo’s hand. 

“Yes,” Matteo said automatically, “I don’t know. I think we might have gotten into a fight. Maybe. It sort of feels that way.”

“What happened?” Hans pried. 

Matteo scrubbed his face with his free hand, “I got a job with the LGBTQ+ center mentoring teens and my boss told me I _passed_. And…I don’t know, somehow David and I started talking about the community and…I like guys. I’m into men.” 

“Okay,” Hans nodded, “I guess, I don’t see the problem.” 

“David thinks I’ve never said that I was…like you’re gay and I am too,” Matteo shrugged.

Hans cocked his head to the side, “Butterfly, why did you say it like that?”

“What?” Matteo asked.

“Matteo, are you gay?” Hans asked, catching Matteo off-guard.

“Yeah,” Matteo held up his hands, “Of course I am.”

“Say it,” Hans stated.

Matteo shrugged, “I like men.” He half mocked.

Sighing, Hans nodded, “I think I see what’s going on.” 

“You do? Good, because I have no clue.” Matteo shook his head.

“Butterfly,” Hans said gently, soothingly, “Why can’t you say that you’re gay? You keep saying you like men, but you’ve yet to once say the word _gay_. Why not?” 

“I have,” Matteo protested, “I…”  


Hans scooted a little closer to the boy, “It’s alright to not want to label yourself. It’s alright to need more time to come to terms with everything and say that word. It’s all alright. Whatever you decide.”

“I…” Matteo sighed, “It’s so final. It’s scary.” 

“Why?” Hans kept his voice soft.

“That’s it, right? Once I say it, that’s it. It’s out there and I’m forever the G in LGBTQ+,” Matteo admitted.

Hans nodded, “Is that so bad, Butterfly?”

“When…when I’m with David, when it’s just the two of us everything is so perfect. Why does anyone else need to know? Why do they need to know that about me?” Matteo wondered. “Our relationship is _ours_. When people know…when you let people in…they can take that away.” 

“But they can also prop you up,” Hans said desperately, “They can help your relationship stay safe.” 

“I’m scared,” Matteo admitted in a whisper. “I’m so happy right now, and I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want it to be messed up.”

“Butterfly,” Hans said softly, pulling Matteo into his arms. 

“Saying those words, makes it real,” Matteo sniffled, his voice muffled in Hans’ shoulder, “Makes me real.” 

Hans rubbed a hand up and down Matteo’s back.

“Before David, everyone in my life had written me off. I wasn’t good enough. And then…then I met him and it all changed. I wanted to be better…for him. I can’t lose that Hans. I can’t be alone again. I can’t,” Matteo squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t.”

“You won’t.” 

The voice startled Matteo and he pulled back from Hans to see David standing in front of them. 

“You won’t, Matteo,” David said again. 

Hans gave Matteo one last squeeze before excusing himself from the room.

“Uhh,” Matteo quickly wiped his face with his sleeves. 

Taking a seat on the coffee table in front of Matteo, David reached out and tentatively placed a hand on his boyfriend’s knee. “Hans texted me, told me where the spare key was.” 

“Of course he did,” Matteo cleared his throat, trying to calm down his emotions. 

David gave him a sad smile, “Why haven’t we ever talked about this?”

“Don’t know,” Matteo shrugged, voice hoarse. 

“If you –” David started.

“I want –” Matteo said at the same time. 

They both chuckled awkwardly. 

“You first,” David squeezed Matteo’s knee. 

Taking a deep breath, Matteo wrapped his hand around David’s and looked his boyfriend in the eyes, “I want to say it,” Matteo admitted, “But I just can’t right now.” 

“That’s okay. We’ve got all the time in the world, right?” He smiled softly. “Can I ask why you can say you love me, or like men, but can’t say you’re gay?”

Matteo reached up to touch his hair, pushing it forward. David knew it was one of Matteo’s coping mechanisms, it was his way of trying to put a shield between him and whoever or whatever was making him feel threatened. 

“I know it. It’s what I am. I just...it’s an admission, right? But if I say those words, it makes it real. It makes it true,” Matteo started, “I don’t…don’t want to be judged. I guess when Ingo said I passed, I just…what if I do or say something and someone thinks, I’m…you know. I’ve lived my whole life without much attention from people. I was never the smartest kid or the popular kid and I was okay with that. If it weren’t for Jonas, I don’t think I’d really have friends. I just wanted to get through. Maybe that was stupid or whatever on my part, but…then there was you and I wanted you to notice me. I wanted you to see me.” 

“I did,” David whispered, “That very first day we passed in the hallway, I saw you.” 

Matteo smiled, a light blush coloring his cheeks. “If I say it out loud, they can hurt me…you…us.” 

“How?” David wanted to understand. 

“They’ll know,” Matteo whispered.

“Who?” 

“Everyone,” Matteo closed his eyes.

David sighed, “Babe, they already know. We don’t exactly keep it a secret.” 

“I know,” Matteo agreed, “But...can’t I just love you?” 

“You can,” David promised.

Matteo shook his head, “So why does it matter if I say it?” 

“Matteo, are you…” David paused, wanting to phrase it right, but not knowing how to. “Are you ashamed?”

“I’m not ashamed of you!” Matteo insisted, “I’m not ashamed of us!” 

David knew he was onto something. “I never said me or us. Are you…are you comfortable with calling yourself gay?”

Silence greeted them and for a second David thought Matteo might not answer. 

“N-no,” Matteo admitted, ducking his head. “I-I don’t think I am.” 

“Babe…Matteo, that’s alright,” David reassured him.

Matteo looked up with watery eyes, “But shouldn’t it…shouldn’t it bring me some type of closure? Isn’t it supposed to? Finally giving a name to something I’ve felt for a long time? Shouldn’t I be relieved? Shouldn’t I feel right?” 

“I think how you feel _is_ right for you. When I was finally able to call myself transgender…give a name to it, know that I wasn’t alone…it was a relief. But realizing that I am pansexual…that took a little while. I didn’t understand it at first. I thought I was bisexual, but it’s not gender or sex that attracts me, it’s the person. How do you explain that to your parents?” David tried to lighten the mood, “But it’s me. It’s who I am. And that’s all I can be.” 

“This would have been good things to talk about when we were on our bus road trip,” Matteo commented, “I…I guess I didn’t know you were pansexual.”

David shrugged, “Does it change how you feel about me?”

“No,” Matteo answered without hesitation. “Hmm,” he nodded and paused a few seconds, “This has been a weird day.”

“Yeah,” David agreed, “Didn’t exactly plan on having this deep of conversation with my boyfriend when I woke up this morning. But I’m glad it happened.”

Matteo half smirked, “Me too.” 

“Are you really?” David wanted to make sure.

“I am. It’s stuff I’ve been thinking about for a while and Ingo’s comment just helped speed up the process.” Matteo closed his eyes, slumping over so he was laying on the sofa. 

“We should go home,” David suggested.

Matteo shook his head, “We should nap here and go home later. Come here,” He opened his arms.

“Only for a little while. I don’t think Hans will appreciate us taking over his living room.” David awkwardly moved from the coffee table to the couch and snuggled up to Matteo.

“Hans calls me butterfly. I don’t think he cares,” Matteo yawned.

David snorted, “That makes no sense, but okay.” 

An hour later, when Hans came home, he saw two sleeping boys on his sofa. Smiling, he grabbed a spare blanket from his bedroom and gently covered them. “My butterfly and his knuddelmaus.” 

——————————

A month later, remnants of the conversation still hung between Matteo and David, but neither had really acknowledged those confessions since they had been made. But they both felt a little lighter, their relationship a little more tighter, a little more understanding. 

David was currently watching Matteo and Jonas try to put together a bookshelf for Jonas’ room. Well, Jonas was anyways, David wondered what Matteo was doing. He watched as Matteo kept picking up random pieces and look at them before setting them down again.

“Dude, are you going to help?” Jonas groaned, tightening a screw.

“I am helping!” Matteo argued.

Jonas rolled his eyes, “You’re playing with the stuff. I told you to just pick up a screw and tighten it into the hole.”

“And I did.”

“One!” Jonas stated in frustration, “Hans? A little help?” He turned to the older man sitting next to David.

Hans put on a mock air, “Moi?” He gasped, covering his heart with his hand, “I, my dear, dear Jonas am gay. That means that I design and direct. And I’m directing you. Put those screws in.” He chuckled.

“Luigi?” Jonas whined.

“Hey,” Matteo held up his hands, “I’m gay. I design and direct,” He chuckled. 

David felt his heart stop at Matteo’s words. He didn’t want to make a big deal about it in front of Hans or Jonas. In fact, he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it at all. Looking up, he met Matteo’s eyes, they were sparkling and a blush was gracing his cheeks. A moment was shared between those two. An entire unspoken conversation passed between them.

_”I said it and I meant to say it.”_

_“You did and I’m so proud of you.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

“I give up!” Jonas exclaimed. “This is impossible. The directions aren’t directions. Maybe I can just glue it together.”

David chuckled, “Move over. I’ll help,” He swapped with Matteo, taking his boyfriend’s place on the ground while Matteo moved to the bed with Hans. David worked quickly, swatting Jonas out of the way and had the bookshelf put together within fifteen minutes.

“Bro!” Jonas exclaimed helping the other boy move the shelf into place, “How the fuck did you know how to do that?” He turned to Matteo, “Dude, is there anything your boyfriend can’t do?” 

“Yeah, _dude_ , is there anything I can’t do?” David laughed.

Matteo snorted, “I can’t think of anything _except_ that time you tried to make your sister’s shakshouka and you-“  


“I swear if you finish that sentence…” David threatened.

“Set a bag of potato chips on fire,” Matteo laughed. This was followed by a _seriously?_ from Jonas and a _how does that happen?_ from Hans. 

“Fuck you,” David grumbled at Matteo with a smile before stepping back to look at his work on the bookshelf. “And to answer your question Jonas, my sister bought the same one and I put it together for her. Laura tried to build it for an hour following the steps and then just threw it in the middle of the living room. I’ve never heard my sister curse so much in my life, it was the funniest thing. I did feel bad for laughing, though, so I put it together for her. It’s not that difficult, I just looked at the pictures and ignored the actual text.”

“I’m getting a new bed frame in next week, think you can come over and help put it together?” Jonas joked, but was serious too. 

“No,” Matteo laughed, walking up behind his boyfriend and wrapping his arm around David’s shoulder, “He’s my boyfriend. Get your own.” 

Jonas sighed.

“Don’t worry, schmusebacke, Hans is available,” Hans wrapped an arm around Jonas’ waist.

“Well, I do wait for you every night, honigkuchenpferd, but I’m always let down,” Jonas raised his eyebrows and winked before both he and Hans couldn’t contain themselves any longer and laughed. 

David and Matteo shook their heads in amusement. Matteo tucked his face against David’s cheek, “I’m gay and it’s enough,” He whispered so only David could hear. “I’m enough.”

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:
> 
> Schnuckelschneke = nibble snail  
> Knuddelmaus = cuddle mouse  
> Schmusebacke = shmoosh cheeks  
> Honigkuchenpferd = honey-cake-horse
> 
> I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has read, commented, or left a kudos (or done all three!). It is so appreciated and I have felt very welcomed into the Druck/Davenzi community! Please know that I do a ton of research while writing each one of these stories to try and be as authentic and real as possible to the German and Berlin culture. This story, in-particular, has taken about five days to write and two rewrites.
> 
> My take on Matteo:  
> I think Matteo is okay with people knowing he likes men, loves David etc., but I also think that he does have some internalized issues (his parents, his living situation in S3, his friends etc.) that do contribute to him being used to kind of sitting back and not being the center of attention. I also think that because he's so used to making himself the "background" or portraying this person that people expect him to be, he's fearful that if he does admit that he's "gay" and not just "likes men," that it's going to change everything for him. I also think he's just afraid to let himself be happy and free because it seems like every time he's allowed himself to feel just a bit of happiness, it goes away. So I tried to address some of those issues in this story. But that's just my opinion. :) Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
> 
> Also, European friends, I had another random question(s) for small details: I keep referring to the place Matteo lives with Hans as flatshare or apartment -- what is the correct name I should be using? Also, do you prefer to use the word couch or sofa? (Or does it not matter?).


End file.
